Why are we always seeking that which is always there?
I have found myself running on the heels of a phantom discouragement, a fleeting emotion that is not really there but that sends chills down my spine none the less. A moment when nothing negative is being said but there are no words being said at all. It is a silent space of wonder that is taken up and filled up by my own thoughts of insecurity. Since when did I forget how to encourage myself? Since when did I get so caught up in my curiosity of what others were thinking that I forgot who Jesus says that I am. What about the gentle whisper in that moment of empty space that tells me how loved and adored I am, just the way I was made?
What about the times when others are getting praise for the very think that I am working like mad to attain? In walks in lousy jealousy.
1 Samuel 18:6-8 – When the victorious Israelite army was returning home after David had killed the Philistine, women from all the towns of Israel came out to meet King Saul. They sang and danced for joy with tambourines and cymbals. 7 This was their song: “Saul has killed his thousands, and David his ten thousands!” 8 This made Saul very angry. “What’s this?” he said. “They credit David with ten thousands and me with only thousands. Next they’ll be making him their king!” 9 So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David.
Saul allowed the praises of David to become the demise of his own confidence. Where does this come from in our own lives and why? Saul was already chosen, yet he allowed one small thing to offend him to the point of no return. Why? It drove him away from who he was called to be. Why? He was already the tallest, the most handsome, the best looking, anointed and obviously blinded to his own worth because of WHY?
Here is the thought that God just smacked me with. There are people in my life (and yours) who think I (we) hung the moon, who compliment me all the time, who love me for who I am. But I choose to listen to the wrong reports because the group of people I desperately want to hear it from seem to be light years away. The last things I heard them say broke my heart into pieces, so why am I holding onto that as if it is still true when the real truth is being spoken to me daily? So what that it goes unnoticed by that other camp? Who cares that they don’t seem to care? What difference is it that they don’t want to see my change, know who I am, what I stand for, and where I have been and where I am going?
Who I could become hinges on this very thing. If God is for me, who can be against me? I’m not optimistic because of the things I see and feel, I am optimistic because of who God is, what He says, and what He has already done. People DO NOT MATTER.
Forgiveness…please reign free…in me
The apology I may never get…doesn’t matter. The affirmation that may never come…it doesn’t matter. It all rides on the wings of hope and trust and the truth that I do hear that I now choose to make my reality. What happened to Saul after this jealous rage? He was tormented from that moment on by a spirit that God allowed. God’s chosen and anointed…now FALLEN. Why? We all seek and starve for genuine friendship…unpolished, unfiltered, white-knuckled-truth-bearing, this-is-what’s-really-happening friendship and relationship and we shy away from it when our ears are no longer being tickled and when the truth comes on the heels of the affirmation we wanted (and got) but we listen the lies in our head over the very thing we sought in the first place.
Wow, Lord. Help me always to rest in YOUR truth, to know who I am, to never take for granted the friendship and love that I have been graced with and that is setting me free from bondage. Thank you, Lord, for the light, for the hope, and for the affirmation that comes straight from heaven.