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Journal Entry from my second stay at Jacob’s Well August 30th, 2014:

identity1I’m having an identity crisis. I’m so unsure of myself that I can’t even put words to exactly how I feel. I have moments of pure confidence, moments of unrehearsed praise, moments of doubt and confusion, moments of unending love, moments of criticism toward myself and others, and moments of being…JUST BEING. God has been speaking to me through the Word and I’m overwhelmed how I can be reading something then someone comes in to devotion and picks the very thing I am reading to discuss. That is NOT a coincidence. Someone spoke yesterday morning about self esteem and perceptions and it blew my mind. I feel as if I am looking through lenses not my own. They are not rose colored, nor or they black tinted, but these lenses seem to distort the truth.

Psalm 116 – I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”

5 The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.

7 Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

8 For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.

10 I trusted in the Lord when I said,
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”

12 What shall I return to the Lord
for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
I serve you just as my mother did;
you have freed me from my chains.

17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—
in your midst, Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord.

identity2As I was praying last night, a feeble prayer at best, I was rendered speechless. I could not even express to God what I was going through, but obviously He knew. This morning, a dear friend and fellow resident came to me with pieces of paper ripped out of a notebook and handed them to me in my quiet time. They were notes she had taken when I led devotion at Jacob’s Well on May 25th of this year, less a month before my relapse and return to Jacob’s Well. I couldn’t believe that she got 4 whole pages of notes out of what I had to say. She told me as she handed this precious gift over that the Holy Spirit had put it on her heart to find them and give them to me to remind me who I am. His timing is PERFECT! I am NOTHING without Him! You know, the things I say about myself are so negative right now. It makes what others have to say that are positive totally unbelievable. It’s all about PERCEPTION! TODAY, I am going to choose God’s view of me and walk in TRUTH and LOVE!”

identity3You can read Psalm 116-119 and bask in the beautiful poetic musical prayers of those long ago at www.biblegateway.com. What a testimony to God’s favor and mercy upon us all! Join in the discussion by posting comments or questions below and let’s do this together!! #ReadtheBible #bgbg2 #BibleGateway #newbeginnings #Psalm

To further your reading, consider this from:

Ezra 9:15 – Lord, the God of Israel, you are righteous! We are left this day as a remnant. Here we are before you in our guilt, though because of it not one of us can stand in your presence.

Let’s not forget the reality of our own sin. What if God gave us exactly what we deserved? Let us not become complacent in view of His grace and mercy.

Related Scriptures: Daniel 9:7; Malachi 3:2; Nehemiah 9:33

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