So, I have been struggling, as is evident in everything I write lately, with approval addiction. Some people’s personalities send me over the edge in an attempt to prove myself as worthy. They trigger me into strange behaviors and I havent’ been able to quite put my finger on it…until today. I begin to feel worthless in the sight of some. Doubt, insecurity, self-hate dominate my core. I begin to question if I am doing anything right at all because even the small things I am doing wrong take center stage. It’s mainly because of the crazy expectations I set on myself in a futile attempt to prove myself….to HER.
Genesis 13:5-9 (NIV) – Now Lot, who was moving about with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. 6 But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together. 7 And quarreling arose between Abram’s herders and Lot’s. The Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land at that time. 8 So Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. 9 Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.”
One woman and her feelings about me have determined the path I choose at each mile marker in life for nearly 6 years. A woman I do respect. A woman who I used to think held the keys to my destiny. A woman who gets to rock my children, show them the way in which to go, cook them dinner each night. A beautiful woman who holds their hearts, kisses their bo-bo’s, reads them stories, and tucks them in at sunset. I have been so consumed with anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness because of MY OWN shortcomings which caused us to part company. I tried in vain to prove myself to her in an attempt to get closer to them that I completely shut myself off to the reality that I set the same expectations on others to rise above. And that isn’t fair. I point out the wrong out of my own pain and forget all about the good things before me. I’m quick to jump to conclusions and form my very own opinions before ever looking at the beautiful things that people are doing. I do the very same thing that I despise others doing to me. I forget about the love in all of this. Shame on ME.
I gave her first choice in our broken family because my own actions dictated my forfeit. In my depraved state, I risked being cheated which left me standing, arms empty. My own personal desires stood in the way of family peace and I was left in the dust. Petty jealousy then had it’s way and tore us all apart and satan had a hay-day with the discord. I then became self-centered instead of love-centered. “Why can’t she see what I am doing right? Why does she always have to point out the small wrongs? Will she ever care enough about me to give me a break? Will she ever have peace with me long enough for me to regain even a small part of the territory I long ago destroyed? What else do I have to do? What more can I do?”
Genesis 13:14-18 (MSG) – After Lot separated from him, God said to Abram, “Open your eyes, look around. Look north, south, east, and west. Everything you see, the whole land spread out before you, I will give to you and your children forever. I’ll make your descendants like dust—counting your descendants will be as impossible as counting the dust of the Earth. So—on your feet, get moving! Walk through the country, its length and breadth; I’m giving it all to you.” 18 Abram moved his tent. He went and settled by the Oaks of Mamre in Hebron. There he built an altar to God.
It’s time to build an altar to the Lord and count my BLESSINGS, not my curses. The promise is REAL and it is for me. In my subconscious quest for perfection and approval in the eyes of one individual, I always took myself out when I didn’t measure up. Again. And again. And again. I then allowed other people to come into my life with the same personality as she and I would trigger myself into yet another excuse and the defensive walls would be built before I even knew what was taking place and a new quest would begin. NOT THIS TIME.
It all begins with humility and forgiveness and praise to the Lord for the mere promise of the future. I’m bowing to HIM and backing down from the fight against unsuspecting souls who don’t even know that the hair on my back is standing straight up. It isn’t about them at all. With forgiveness will come restoration in all relationships that are torn because of my quest in seeking their approval. On the outside, many of them look as if there is no way and no hope for a peaceful resolution, but I know GOD and He always makes a way.
Psalm 133 (NIV) – How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! 2 It is like precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaron’s beard, down on the collar of his robe. 3 It is as if the dew of Hermon were falling on Mount Zion. For there the Lord bestows his blessing, even life forevermore.
Quarreling is still discord, even if in your own head.
Living in unity begins with ME. Peace begins with me. Restoration begins with me. Forgiveness begins with me. They all start with LOVE and LOVE has a name, Jesus.