You know, the struggle is real. So many of us want to put on masks to hide from the world how we really feel. I know for me, I become fearful in being so transparent because I am afraid people will think I am weak, that they will judge me, that my transparency will open a door for vulnerability. But I have learned over these past several months to rip off the mask and expose the schemes of the enemy so it loses it’s power over me. The longer I hold things in, the more it festers and causes sores within me. The women read forgivness letters at Jacob’s Well the other day. As I listened intently to their wails as they read through tears, some of them forgiving their parents for the wrongs they had to endure as children, I heard the voices of my own children saying the same things to me in the spirit and I was overcome with emotion. I wrote this within minutes of the last letter being read:
Have you forgotten about me, God? I feel forgotten. It’s been a long time. I miss them so much. I know You were there when my world fell apart. I know I spoke a blessing over my family before I allowed the darkness to consume me and I know when I said, “God is going to take care of us” before my eyes were veiled from Your Truth that You heard me. I know You heard me because my family prospered and I survived so I know You heard me. I know that You allowed me to suffer so that I could bring You glory, so where are You today? Where were You yesterday? Where are You now? Did You Forget? What about them? What about THEM, God? Do they hate me? Do they think about me when they lay their heads down at night? Do they know what I look like or do they even care that I am still alive? Do their hearts ache for me ever? Do they wonder? Do they know You? Do they know what You promised me? Do they believe it? What do they sound like? What games do they like to play? What are their favorite pastimes and what do they like to eat? When they skin their knees on their tall lanky legs, do they wish I was there to kiss it and make it better? I WANT TO SCREAM!! How much longer? I’m willing to wait, God, and I am being so patient! I am listening for Your voice but all I hear today is crickets. I have a lot of good words, God. I have a lot of things that you tell me to say. I push aside myself and give myself away for You everyday, so why do I feel forgotten??? I LOVE YOU, Lord. I understand that your ways are not my ways. I can’t even begin to think like you think. Please don’t tarry long, O Lord.
I was immediately taken to Job 38-42. Below are some things that brought tears to my eyes and I was instantly repentant.
2-11 “Why do you confuse the issue?
Why do you talk without knowing what you’re talking about?
Pull yourself together, Job!
Up on your feet! Stand tall!
I have some questions for you,
and I want some straight answers.
Where were you when I created the earth?
Tell me, since you know so much!
Who decided on its size? Certainly you’ll know that!
Who came up with the blueprints and measurements?
How was its foundation poured,
and who set the cornerstone,
While the morning stars sang in chorus
and all the angels shouted praise?
And who took charge of the ocean
when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb?
That was me! I wrapped it in soft clouds,
and tucked it in safely at night.
Then I made a playpen for it,
a strong playpen so it couldn’t run loose,
And said, ‘Stay here, this is your place.
Your wild tantrums are confined to this place.’
It goes on and on with God questioning Job….Then…
“Now what do you have to say for yourself?
Are you going to haul me, the Mighty One, into court and press charges?”
3-5 Job answered:
“I’m speechless, in awe—words fail me.
I should never have opened my mouth!
I’ve talked too much, way too much.
I’m ready to shut up and listen.”
6-7 God addressed Job next from the eye of the storm, and this is what he said:
“I have some more questions for you,
and I want straight answers.
8-14 “Do you presume to tell me what I’m doing wrong?
Are you calling me a sinner so you can be a saint?
Do you have an arm like my arm?
Can you shout in thunder the way I can?
Go ahead, show your stuff.
Let’s see what you’re made of, what you can do.
Unleash your outrage.
Target the arrogant and lay them flat.
Target the arrogant and bring them to their knees.
Stop the wicked in their tracks—make mincemeat of them!
Dig a mass grave and dump them in it—
faceless corpses in an unmarked grave.
I’ll gladly step aside and hand things over to you—
you can surely save yourself with no help from me!
Job 42:1-6 (MSG) – 1-6 Job answered God:
“I’m convinced: You can do anything and everything.
Nothing and no one can upset your plans.
You asked, ‘Who is this muddying the water,
ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing my purposes?’
I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me,
made small talk about wonders way over my head.
You told me, ‘Listen, and let me do the talking.
Let me ask the questions. You give the answers.’
I admit I once lived by rumors of you;
now I have it all firsthand—from my own eyes and ears!
I’m sorry—forgive me. I’ll never do that again, I promise!
I’ll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor.”
Job 42:10-15 (MSG) – 10-11 After Job had interceded for his friends, God restored his fortune—and then doubled it! All his brothers and sisters and friends came to his house and celebrated. They told him how sorry they were, and consoled him for all the trouble God had brought him. Each of them brought generous housewarming gifts.
12-15 God blessed Job’s later life even more than his earlier life. He ended up with fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, one thousand teams of oxen, and one thousand donkeys. He also had seven sons and three daughters.
God will restore. In His time, in His way, His perfect plan. Who am I? He didn’t forget.