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582585_3435051387669_76657136_nToday is my son’s 13th birthday, his slow turn into adulthood. I will never, for as long as I live, forget the moments surrounding his birth…my dad curled in chair in an empty hospital room down the hall, my mom always by my side, my then husband pacing and walking and remaining calm, the hours upon HOURS of labor, the funny moment when I finally fell asleep and they tried to wake me up to push and I told them, “5 more minutes” (LOL). I remember the nurses running in, one after the other, and laughing then leaving the room because his head was crowning yet his rear end was still in my ribs (and I have a very LONG torso) so they knew he was going to be BIG! I remember when they told me that they had to measure him with a tape measure because he was so long and his long little feet had to be stamped twice because they wouldn’t fit on the stamp itself. I remember his first cry. I remember holding him in my arms and looking into his perfect face and watching his dad witness the miracle of life and seeing God all over that room. I remember as I held him in my arms and looked into those eyes and we determined his name. Kaleb Julian. Named for my Papaw (Julian) and myself (Julie Anne) and sharing the same initials as his dad. I knew he was destined for greatness and I knew he would be smart as a whip and charismatic and full of personality. My son.

2244_1091311195629_2260_n2 Samuel 19:1-8 – Joab was told, “The king is weeping and mourning for Absalom.” 2 And for the whole army the victory that day was turned into mourning, because on that day the troops heard it said, “The king is grieving for his son.” 3 The men stole into the city that day as men steal in who are ashamed when they flee from battle. 4 The king covered his face and cried aloud, “O my son Absalom! O Absalom, my son, my son!” 5 Then Joab went into the house to the king and said, “Today you have humiliated all your men, who have just saved your life and the lives of your sons and daughters and the lives of your wives and concubines. 6 You love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that the commanders and their men mean nothing to you. I see that you would be pleased if Absalom were alive today and all of us were dead. 7 Now go out and encourage your men. I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a man will be left with you by nightfall. This will be worse for you than all the calamities that have come upon you from your youth till now.” 8 So the king got up and took his seat in the gateway. When the men were told, “The king is sitting in the gateway,” they all came before him.

32515_1406973126980_922563_nToday I grieve that I am missing his turn into adolescence. My choices led me to this place of emptiness and powerlessness but it’s not what is keeping me here. I am no longer reaping what I sowed. This is much bigger than that. I won’t have the opportunity to speak to him this year, the third year in a row I am missing his voice, not from lack of trying. I’m still in a holding pattern and God has me here for a reason. I read the scripture above and all these thoughts started going through my head. David was the king in the scripture above and even though everything went as planned and he won the battle against his enemy, he still lost his son. It’s a almost a precursor to how God felt about Jesus. He lost His Son too. I got on my face the other day and prayed a prayer over my children that I found in a Bible Study book that I have. I am going to include it at the bottom of this post so you can pray it over your own situation. Once I was done praying God quickly told me to get up, pull myself together, and stop crying. Recently on social media, I read, “I just heard the Holy Spirit say don’t pray about that ANY MORE! For the next 5 days THANK God for what it is you need! Thank Him for doing it! Prepare your mind to receive it!!! God is sending provision for every vision, healing to the sick, strength to the weak, love to the brokenhearted, encouragement to the discouraged! God is no longer just “GOING TO DO IT” but he’s doing it RIGHT NOW!!!!!”

Here’s the deal. David was so upset at the loss of his son, that he quickly forgot about all the amazing things that were going on around him. I may be grief stricken, but I am not alone. I have an army of angels surrounding me and I have Jesus Christ HIMSELF, the KING of KINGS, fighting on my behalf. I need to be reminded what Jesus, God’s ONLY SON who died on the cross for MY sins and defeated death and sits at the right hand of God the Father, can do. I need to be reminded that God knows how I feel and He wants me to have the desires of my heart.

I’m going to stand in the gateway and know that my army that is led by Jesus is right behind me, supporting me, encouraging me, and lifting me up and they are battling the unseen. The unseen is what I need to put all my faith in!  Not one single day goes by when I don’t think about these beautiful creatures God saw fit He give to me out of my own body.  The Lord alone knows my struggle and He knows how much I miss them.

Psalm 126:5 – Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.

20259_1282125405865_335891_nThank you my Savior, for your daily provisions, for battling the unseen, for having my back, for following through on your promises, for dying a miserable death so I could live, for putting the right people in the right place at the right time for YOUR will to be done. Thank you in advance for the miracles that are going to take place in my life and for the moments I have yet to share with my beautiful sons. I praise You, even in this storm!

PRAYER FROM SHATTERING STRONGHOLDS

In the name of Jesus Christ, I bind ____’s body, soul and spirit to the will and purposes of God for his life. I bind ____’s mind will and emotions to the will of God. I bind him to the truth and to an awareness of the blood of Jesus. I bind his mind to the mind of Christ, that the very thoughts, feelings, and purposes of Jesus’ heart would be within his thoughts. I bind ____’s feet to the path of righteousness so that his steps would be steady and sure. I bind him to the work of the Cross with all of its mercy, grace, love forgiveness, and dying to self. I loose every old, wrong, ungodly pattern of thinking, attitude, idea, desire, belief, motivation, and denial from ____. I tear down, crush, smash, and destroy every lie associated with these things. I loose all stronghold thinking in his life that has been justifying and protecting hard feelings against anyone. I loose unforgiveness, fear, and distrust from him. I loose the power and effects of wrong agreements from ____. I loose deceptions and lies from ____’s mind, and I loose the effects and influences and wrong patterns of thinking that led to any wicked or ungodly soul ties he has with other people. I loose the confusion and blindness of the enemy from ____’s mind that has kept him from seeing the light of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I call forth every precious word of Scripture that has ever entered into his mind and ask that you would help him to remember them. I loose all generational-bondage thinking and grave clothes from him. I loose all effects and bondages from him that may have been caused by mistakes I have made. I crush, smash, and destroy generational bondages of any kind from mistakes made at any point between generations. I destroy them right here, right now. They will not bind and curse any more members of this family. Jesus has given me the Keys to do so. Thank you, Lord, for the TRUTH. AMEN.


IMG_20131128_152750Happy Birthday Kaleb Julian. Your mommy loves you, to the moon and back.

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