I am acutely aware of my heart beating inside my chest. I can put my hand there, close my eyes, and picture the chambers moving in perfect succession to one another, blood pumping from one chamber to the next and flowing freely through my veins, giving life as it passes through each article of my being. I am also acutely aware that the spiritual part of my heart that I cannot see is broken. It isn’t shattered beyond repair, but the bandaid I keep putting on it continues to get ripped off and there is a deep wound that can only be healed by one gentle touch from my Savior. Everything that I do, every decision that I make, every word that I speak, comes from the heart and when it is broken, then my actions are also broken. Hurting people hurt people. When am I going to really get that memo? The life blood that flows through me needs to be pure and the only way for that to be so is to allow the craziness to surface so that I can receive healing.
Numbers 13:31-33 (NIV) – But the men who had gone up with him said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are.” 32 And they spread among the Israelites a bad report about the land they had explored. They said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. 33 We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.”
I face some pretty heavy giants in my life, but when I allow their size and stature to create fear, then I lose sight of what I know about God. I forget about trust, patience, forgiveness, acceptance, and compassion. I was a bit distracted the other week because I failed to see the promise right before my very eyes because I was still so focused on the journey ahead which included facing giants. You know, the past is already gone. When I force my will on God, I end up back in the wilderness, plain and simple. Fear and self-loathing then become my BFF’s again and I forget…
Rebellion begins with dissatisfaction, then complaining, bitterness, and resentment. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. Being discontent with what I already have will cause me to lose it without gaining what I desire the most. My wasted efforts in trying to prove my heart to those who could care less about it and keeping up appearances would have been much better spent on finding God’s answers to my troubling situation. HELLO?!?!?!
Mark 5:25-34 (NIV) – And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years.26 She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. 27 When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak,28 because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”29 Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. 30 At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” 31 “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’” 32 But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. 33 Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. 34 He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
My situation is not impossible. NOTHING is impossible. My heart beats for the promises of God, even when I can’t see the answers. Patience is a beautiful heart virtue that symbolizes trust and I’m patiently learning patience. Fear can no longer crush the life blood of Jesus that flows through my me, but I first have to face reality and allow healing to begin.