This is a journal entry from June 24, 2014, three days after walking across the threshold of Jacob’s Well Ministries for the second time. I am sharing it for those who are struggling against themselves this very day. I am sharing it because there are some days I still wake up and wonder how this all happened. I am sharing my heart and my own personal struggle so that someone else can be set free:
6/24/14 – I woke up this morning feeling oppressed and weak, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I am fearful of the future, I am scared of my own shadow, and I am completely and utterly lost. I am not supposed to be here. I don’t know how to love. I don’t know what to do. How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? I have unending feelings of guilt and shame and I am plagued by nightmares of all the things I left behind to come back here. So many disappointments taunt me. I had the thought this morning that I couldn’t do this again, another 6 months. Worry and anxiety flood my soul like a long, deep crevice of darkness that has not light. It is inching its way into every fiber of my being.
Any person is subject to blame, including myself, if I cannot reconcile myelf to the fact that there is so much sin in my life. I am not innocent, but I am forgiven. That is what I need to remember as I trudge through the days ahead. There is a Light at the end of this dark tunnel I have found myself in.
Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
There were once 639 laws which governed the entire nation of Israel. God broke them down and made them into 10 simple commandments, all of which have been broken by me, at least in my heart. I know I am not perfect, but this is just too much. Jesus simplified it even more when He gave me His 2 commandments, but I still hurt. “Lord, show me the way to go. Help me to get past this fear of failure, this pain in my heart, this shame.”
Matthew 22:36-39 – “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?” 37 Jesus replied, “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. 29 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
That’s it. If I follow these two simple commandments, all else will melt away. Perfect love drives out fear. The Lord led me to read a verse tonight as I am getting ready for bed. I, too, am a burning stick…snatched from the fire.
Zecharaiah 3:2 – The Lord said to Satan, “The Lord rebuke you, Satan! The Lord who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?”